Blog Hill

Sunday, August 06, 2006

How To Talk To Boys

I said I'd post on what makes me cry, but this isn't it. Boys don't make me cry and neither does talking to them (ekk awkward conjunct). The previously promised post will come later.

You'd think, why do girls need to be told how to talk to guys? Girls talk heaps (or so the stereotype goes). But talking heaps does not equate with talking well or having good conversational skills or even having good social skills. Crazy. Who would have thought?

Now, am I qualified to be an authority on this topic? Well, not being an authority on a topic has never stopped me from giving advice on my blog, but just this time I will give you some SCIENCE. Ahem. Studies have shown that people with older siblings of the oppostite sex are more adept at talking to people of the opposite sex. They make eye contact, ask more questions, respond better and smile when smiled at. I think this is generally true, except I would make an exception with Angus who has only younger sisters (but they're quite close in age).

Aneeeway, here are the tips:

Do:

1 Be knowledgable (or at least appear to be) about some "guy" topics like computers, sport, warfare, cars, science, technology, engineering feats and Star Wars. Gender neutral topics such as music and bands are good too.

2 Ask questions about the above fields. Don't be afraid to get into an involved discussion about future of space ship fuel. Don't pretend you know more than you do, but don't be afraid to ask questions.

3 Do a little probing to find out what is the topic he's really into and let him talk about that. (this works for girls too!)

4 Make eye contact, nod and listen. Let him to most of the talking.

Don't:

1 Talk too much about yourself. Avoid topics such as your weight issues, your hair issues, your skin issues, your ex-boyfriend issues.

2 Gossip. Actually, this applies to everyone.

3 Ask too many questions that will make him feel vulnerable. These might be topics he knows little about or issues he feels insecure about.

Um, yeah, there you have it. My two bobs worth. I could be totally wrong and totally unqualified in giving this advice. And there's probably heaps of points I missed. What do you think?

posted by The Borg at 5:08 PM

29 Comments:

  • Good post! Practical AND interesting!

    As mentioned, I have no older siblings but I do have the "skills to pay the bills" social-wise. However, even I can take some advice.

    "Be knowledgable about computers, sport, warfare, cars, science, technology, engineering feats and Star Wars."

    And extra bonus points if you can COMBINE all those topics into ONE AWESOME UBER-TOPIC of conversation.

    "your ex-boyfriend issues."

    See, I don't mind talking about this with girls, but there's a limit. After a while it becomes less of a bit of conversation ("So yeah, we broke up, he was a tool, I'm single, call me!") and more of a long-winded rant ("I already told you this story before, but it's so TYPICAL of that #@$%!"). If you know when to draw the line, it can be fine and even help the conversation deepen.

    "Make eye contact, nod and listen. Let him to most of the talking."

    Word. It works. Don't LOOK like you're waiting for a break in conversation so you can bring up your own hilarious anecdote about something they mentioned. You can still do it, just don't LOOK like you're waiting for it. ;)

    By Blogger Angus, At 7:30 PM  

  • Mmm. One conversational key is also true for acting - don't just wait for the bit where you say your line, really listen. It's easy to get worried about whether or not you'll have something interesting to say when your time comes and focus on that, but if you are actually listening, you should be fine.

    Eye contact is another key (with balance. Seriously, STOP STARING AT ME. You are FREAKING ME OUT). An excellent conversation killer is looking around at other people more than the person you're talking to. Makes the person feel very unimportant (As a side note, I've found this to be interesting when talking to "important" people. The ones I really respect that I've talked to do listen to you, the rest will spend most of the time not really listening and instead glancing around the room. Such people quickly lose my respect as it implies they don't care about you unless you're as important as them).

    Talking about stuff the guy knows about is another key point - guys love being the expert. So figure out something they're an expert on that at least interests you a bit, and probe them about that.

    And girls - don't be afraid to take the initiative in the conversation now and then, often guys are worried that by being the ones forcing the conversation they're going to look like they're hitting on you. Which even if it's the case is not something a guy wants to make obvious. Of course, if you're constantly having to take all the initiative, it is likely he's just not interested in you (SERIOUSLY. LEAVE ME ALONE. I DO NOT WANT TO TALK).

    Angus, I expect a post on your new blog about the flipside, in which we will get much handy advice from your women readers.

    By Blogger Swil, At 10:49 PM  

  • This is a great post, with excellent comments. I have an older sibling of the opposite sex, and I find interacting with males easy.

    I'd be interested to hear what people think about when friendly conversation crosses the line and becomes flirting. I've been accused of flirting in the past when I've just been talking to guys. So, what do you guys think? (Aside from the obvious don't flutter your eyelashes, stroke their arm periodically and tell them their hair smells nice... ;))

    By Blogger Emi, At 10:46 AM  

  • Aside from the obvious don't flutter your eyelashes, stroke their arm periodically and tell them their hair smells nice... ;)

    LOL

    I was once having an argument with my cousin Jack about the usefulness of philosophy, and we were getting to that point where you argue about definitions in a silly way and go all socratic. Someone said "If I didn't know you two were related, I'd think you were flirting."

    That was one of the stupidist things I've heard.

    By Blogger The Borg, At 1:14 PM  

  • It's different with cousins. You can have fun, make jokes at the other's expense and muck around without ever worrying about whether the other person likes you or not. You can tease them about things. You can give them warm hugs. You can marry your cousin.




    Personally, I think that's taking it a bit too far.

    By Blogger Angus, At 2:11 PM  

  • ROFL

    nice work

    By Blogger Swil, At 3:13 PM  

  • LOL Gus, it was all going fine until that last sentence! I nearly spat out the tim tam I was eating!

    By Blogger Bron, At 6:54 PM  

  • Yeah not too bad.

    By Blogger G-blog, At 7:41 PM  

  • "Talk too much about yourself. Avoid topics such as your weight issues, your hair issues, your skin issues, your ex-boyfriend issues."

    These were great! I especially liked the one I copied here - so right on.

    Always remember to focus on having fun and focus on positive things about yourself. Future goals, creative things you like to do. Never talk about past relationships or problematic areas - NEVER!

    By Blogger Eddo, At 5:53 AM  

  • Oh, and you illustrate? I want something masculine and elegant. I was thinking about doing whimsical stick figures, but the cover of the book is going to be brown craft paper with black font. Once again, Masculine is key. Do you have a portfolio or do you just draw for fun?

    By Blogger Eddo, At 5:56 AM  

  • Your three "don'ts" are certainly very true. I went on a date with a girl last week who did all three!

    Some of us are just born unlucky!

    By Blogger Neilissimo, At 6:52 AM  

  • Interesting post.

    My advice to the ladies is to make decisions about your life without the possibility of getting married. In other words, make plans to do post-grad work, have career plans, plan that overseas trip and so on.

    This is not to say that women should stop having kids and focus on their career - no way. It's just that while you're single you might as well make these plans in the knowledge that they may all go awry when you meet the guy.

    I suppose there's something quite pathetic in a woman who sits around waiting to be swept off her feet, who cannot make decisions because they might "ruin their chances".

    In practice, this translates to "desperation" which both guys and girls can sense in another person.

    As for my advice to the guys - when you talk to the ladies, LOOK AT THEIR EYES. Control your eyes and resist the temptation to glance at the chestal area. Apart from the fact that there is plenty of time to sneak a peek when they're looking away, you don't want to come across as some sort of pervert. The ladies know when you're looking in the wrong direction.

    This is also the case when you're dealing with ladies who aren't going to be romantically involved with you.

    One day at a Gloria Jeans, my wife and I sat down with a mutual friend, who proceeded to breastfeed her child. I felt that it would be poor form to "sneak a peak" as she was talking to us.

    By Blogger Neil Cameron (One Salient Oversight), At 8:29 AM  

  • Am I allowed to laugh hysterically at what you just wrote, OSO?

    My advice to the ladies is to make decisions about your life without the possibility of getting married. In other words, make plans to do post-grad work, have career plans, plan that overseas trip and so on.

    Good advice, but I don't know any women who aren't already taking it. I've had that mind-set since I was um seven and I wanted to be an astrophysicist... Obviously that career plan didn't work out (1st year physics and maths got put through the boring-0-tron), but I'm planning on doing the 2nd best; museum studies, which will be way more fun.

    A friend of mine was desperate to get trained and find work, because she was afraid that when she got married her husband might leave her and she would be a single mum. But then she realised that this was a worldly attitude and a failure to trust in God.

    Which is the other side of the story.

    By Blogger The Borg, At 9:17 AM  

  • Is this now general life advice for ladies?

    Girls, above all else, learn to cook a good curry. This will help your conversations immensely. If a guy finds out you can cook a good curry, he will want to talk to you more. This will lead to him sharing his feelings in an open and honest manner, which will then lead to marriage and many babies (clearly the goal of any conversation with a male). This all rests on your ability to cook a good curry. So go learn now. And maybe learn how to cook apple pie. That helps too.

    By Blogger Swil, At 9:37 AM  

  • swil, i make good curry. will you have my babies?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 10:01 AM  

  • I'm not making any decisions about marrying you until I see a photo (of the curry).

    By Blogger Swil, At 10:37 AM  

  • "It's just that while you're single you might as well make these plans in the knowledge that they may all go awry when you meet the guy."

    I totally agree. Women should have their little "dreams" and "aspirations" because it helps them take their mind off some of the tasks they have to do. Like cleaning. Or cooking (I like Shaun's curry idea). Or making babies.

    They should have their dreams, but please ladies, don't expect them to be fulfilled. Once you find a man, the dreams go out the window. It's true. If you're married at 20 (too old IMHO), you can expect about 60 years of marital servitude. So goodbye dreams! Goodbye plans! You've got to make the most of your life as a married woman. Maybe teach Sunday school or help out by baking cakes occasionally for your eight sons' Scout fundraiser.

    You know it makes sense.

    By Blogger Angus, At 11:39 AM  

  • The "curry" is hot. And ample. But not beefy. You like?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 11:40 AM  

  • What the hell flavour is that curry? Innuendo flavour? Who is this anyway? The Todd?

    Stuff women. I'm going to the Tandoor & Curry House. They make excellent curries and don't whine about things like "feelings" and "not calling".

    By Blogger Swil, At 11:54 AM  

  • And Angus, you are so old school patriachal! We are much more forward thinking now, women even have the vote (They should of course only vote for who their husband tells them to. If they are unmarried they may defer to their father. If their father is dead they may lodge Form 65G: Unable to Vote Due to Lack of Male Wisdom).

    By Blogger Swil, At 11:57 AM  

  • I know, I know, I'm such an old fuddy-duddy sometimes. It's just that I long for the times when if you saw a woman you liked, you went and asked her father for her hand. If her father agreed, you would take her in a manly fashion. If not... well, that didn't happen. What father would refuse a chance to get rid of his daughter?!?

    But I understand the times have changed. Women can do stuff now. That's why I'm moving to Iran.

    By Blogger Angus, At 12:15 PM  

  • I make single (cream) entendre flavour curry.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 12:37 PM  

  • "One day at a Gloria Jeans, my wife and I sat down with a mutual friend, who proceeded to breastfeed her child. I felt that it would be poor form to "sneak a peak" as she was talking to us."

    One time I was at the hospital, and I saw one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. A mother, breastfeeding her brand new baby. It was something special. Unfortunately the kid's head was in the way so I couldn't see the full nip. Too bad.

    By Blogger Angus, At 1:54 PM  

  • Ok I hate the whole girl/guy men are from mars etc thing but take it from someone who is now married and has subsequently analyzed the whole what were you thinking when we were going out thing- guys really don't notice much that you say. (well to start with) I was a complete mess when I met my husband but even though I prob told him this a million times he still doesn't think that I was a mess back then. He just remembers meeting "the kind of girl" he always wanted to meet. Maybe that helps... yeah and I was also adament that I was just passing through the city where we met but six years later here I still am; maybe that gave me the elusiveness that I needed???
    PS as someone who breastfeeds in public I'm a bit grossed out!

    By Blogger Rachel, At 1:52 PM  

  • Rachel I just thought I'd point out that I was being stupid with my last comment. I actually nicked that joke off Ali G. There's no way I'd try and look at women's breasts while they're breastfeeding!

    Just thought I'd say something in case you thought I was being serious!

    By Blogger Angus, At 3:04 PM  

  • You can marry your cousin.

    Why not? You have lots in common with them: shared injokes, interests, values, family holidays and.... 25% of their genetic material.

    By Blogger The Borg, At 3:35 PM  

  • Hee hee hee, Angus has dangerous joke remorse

    By Blogger Swil, At 4:09 PM  

  • It's true. I feel so foolish. I guess I forgot our jokes might be read by people who don't know us and who wouldn't realise that we're not actually misogynistic bastards. Teh interweb, hey!

    By Blogger Angus, At 5:23 PM  

  • Rachel,

    we're both fortunate to have men who love us despite knowing all oir issues!.

    Luke and I talked exes fairly early one, but it depends on the couple, really...

    By Blogger The Librarian, At 6:03 PM  

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