Shirley Henderson on Ovulation

My good (older) friend, Shirley Henderson, who I met when she was looking for a place to live, has written this guest post. Shirley moved here to Hobart from WA after a painful break-up with her life-long partner Graeme. She's trying to rebuild her life, by walking new paths such as going to university. This is her story.

I haven't ovulated since my partner Graeme, left me for another woman (her name is Jolene but that's another story). This is most distressing. I miss the sharp pains. The sharp pains that call to me, "Shirley, you are a woman and everything is going to be alright". I long to feel that ache again because, when Graeme left me, he took my gender with him.

If you're not familiar with ovulation, allow me as an expert ovulator, to educate you. I won't go into too much detail because I like to believe that I'm a tactful lady. Unlike Jolene, the bitch. In short, I like to describe ovulation as "my cycle of femininity". I can remember feeling the first movements when I was 6 or 7, which I presume is the normal age for all women. It was at that time, I realised I was no longer a girl but a fully-fledged lady. One of the main ovulatory features is the development of a super-human sense of smell. Needless to say, I dearly miss the smell of Graeme's body odour and Brut, as I'd watch him complete his jigsaw puzzles. Sadly, despite the super sense of smell, I was blessed with, I didn't catch a whiff of my partner's pungent affair.

Generally speaking, men are not able to ovulate. It's an affliction that's been forced upon women from years of oppression and abuse by the rival gender. I've also heard that it originated from the bible; when Evelyn stole the apple from Noah, she was punished by God with a lifetime of ovulation. But I'm not a very religious person, just church with mum at Easter and Chrissie, so we won't go down that path.

A little known fact about ovulation is that it stops when a lady becomes pregnant. Now, I don't want to reveal my age but I haven't felt the signs of ovulation for quite some time. I'm quite sure that I'm not pregnant because I haven't enjoyed the sensual touch of a man for two to three years. Not since Graeme left. But it is my dream to wake up one morning, wipe the sleep from my eyes and vomit in to the bedpan. I haven't taken a pregnancy test because I don't want the disappointment of finding out that I am indeed, barren. That would be the end for me. From what I've hear, Jolene is quite fertile, with child number two on the way. I'm not a jealous lady but if I am honest, I envy Jolene's femininity, but I can't blame Graeme for picking a well-endowed, beautiful fully-functioning ovulatory woman over an old chook like me.

It might sound strange but I would dearly love to experience that calling from the overies again. I do try to fill in my days; adult education (I'm currently a mature age student), coffee with Adrienne at the Bellerive Quay, and of course that ill-fated life drawing class where no-one wanted to draw me. Not to mention my new computer and my recent dabbling into the "singles chat" scene. However, one of these activities are able to conceal the fact that I am not currently ovulating.

I would love some advice from all you women out there in the cyber web. What can I do to achieve ovulation again? Or to feel like a woman again?

Alternatively, If you have any questions about ovulation, I'd be more than happy to answer them.